More Thanh Words

"My name is Thanh and I'm a Blogger". Now that I have admitted to that, I can say that I'm a stereotypical "geeky" Engineer who enjoys sci-fi books and movies and into all things technological. I also love music and have a passion for FOOD. I'm a social person and like to talk to people. I hate people who are fake or overly aggressive. If you're also into some serious discussion, with a pinch of sarcasm and a dash of real emotion, then please read on.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

What Do You Want Out Of Life?

What do you want out of life? A big picket fenced house with 2.4 kids? Fulfilling your life long dream and do something you always wanted to do?

For the last 2-3 weeks, I've mainly been this moping object floating around the place. I just feel bored (which isn't quite the right word) or more like unmovtivated, restless and just generally tired. I know its partly due to being physically tired because I sleep too late but I think mentally as well. Tired from what, I have no idea.

So what are the things that are causing this restlessness. Its not entirely work because thats not too bad. Even my argument with someone at work isn't really making me angry or unhappy. In fact, I have totally forgotten about that incident and it doesn't even bother me now. All this restlessness comes from not being sure what I want, from life, from work, from others. I am totally confused at the moment.

Let me start with this blog even. When I started this blog a few months ago, I was all full of enthusiasm and hope. I still like writing in this blog but a bit of that enthusiasm has disappeared, possibly to be expected. Initially, I thought that as well as doing something I like, I might be able to generate some revenue from this blog and maybe eventually work from home full time on this blog. I hear you laughing at how naive I was, but that was what I believed. I thought that I would start getting hundreds of dollars each month from ads. However, after trying very hard to generate traffic, it wasn't working so I gave up on that train of thought. This was a disappointment to me intially, but then having found that there were dedicated readers such as Afrobev, Coralmoon, Danielsan, Princess Chloe and Choo Choo, I felt much better to know that some people were taking some time out of their day to invest a very very small personal interest in my life. This has made it all worth it to keep blogging. But still, that hope of achieving "success" with this blog after putting so much work into it initially has been dashed. Its not even the money that I'm thinking about, its setting myself an aim to achieve something and then not really succeeding.

The other thing that starting the blog has done has opened up my mind. I've been reading so many things lately, from other people's blogs to links on people's blogs that I then keep researching. I have learnt so many things from these explorations. I've also heard other people's opinions and views on all types of issues that I might not normally be in contact with. People from all walks of life are expressing themselves for everyone to see. It has truly been an eye opening short journey so far. To use a photograph analogy, I've gone from the telephoto lens to a wide angle lens and the horizon has expanded but at the same time, the close objects have also been blurred as well. I don't know what it is I want now since my view on life is in the process of being reassessed.

Even as recent as just last year, I was happy to watch a lot of TV, read my science fiction books and buying DVDs and CDs made me very happy. The actual act of buying the DVDs game me a lot of pleasure rather than what the actual movie was. It was a sense of achievement, that I had earned my own money and could now afford to buy them. Lately I haven't bought any DVDs or felt the need to buy anything. Instead, I spend most of my money going out with friends and truly enjoying people's company.

My interaction with people has also changed due to changes within myself. Like I have written in a previous post, I used to be way too nice for my own good and became an unwitting "carpet mat" for people to purposefully or accidentally step on. Positve changes in myself have resulted in people acting differently to me. I'm more upfront with people and tell them if they are doing something that annoys me or makes me unhappy. I have also been much more conscious to not waste time and be fake to people that give me nothing in terms of enjoyment or are merely trying to use me. I now focus my energy on building stronger relationship with thouse that I care about and worrying less about people I might offend because I'm not everyone's friend anymore.

Another thing that I have been thinking a lot about lately is what is the purpose of life, not the whole grand scheme of things but just my own personal little world. We are all stuck in this so called "Rat Race" where the faster we run, the faster the wheel turns. Somehow, this thought disturbs me a lot. Why am I working in the job that I am currently at. To make money so that I can buy a picket fence house? Probably. I don't mind owning a nice house since I would feel comfortable in it and that would make me happy. But why does it have to be so hard. How come we can't do something that we love and still be able to achieve our materialistic dreams. How can you get out of this Rat Race and run your own race. Well, you need to run extremely hard in the rat race so the wheel falls off its ball bearings and breaks free.

Also, how can we improve ourselves and make life interesting. Ultimately, knowledge is the only thing that we gain that can't be taken away from us and can be cherished forever. I've just started reading Trev's blog and on it he has a Te Chu saying, "Jia Gow Lau, Oh Gow Lau" translating to "Eat til you are old, Learn til you are old". I liked it so much that I decided to "borrow" it and use it here. I like to learn new things and find that I am totally committed to it and am almost obsessed with it for a few months but never continue with it. I see how committed some people are and can do something and keep expanding on it until it comes to fruition, such as Choo Choo owning her own restaurant. Thats so inspirational but I just can't see myself doing that and it makes me disappointed. I just seem to lack that tunnel vision to focus on one thing and pursue it vigorously. Is this a sign of failure, that you can't see things through or just someone who is constantly curious and is searching for more exciting stimulus. I see that lots of people around me are going back to uni to study, which seems like a good idea but then I think of the assignments and it changes my mind. Also do I really want to study more Engineering or something that maybe be more fun like "TV viewing habits of couch potatoes pre-reality TV". Maybe it just comes down to me being lazy and wanting things that are exciting and new but also easy.

As you can see, this post has been so scattered in thought. I don't know what is bugging me or what I want. Maybe I just need a long holiday to refresh my mind. Hopefully this is just a phase that will pass. I'll probably be thinking how stupid I was to be writing all this a month later when I'm cheering Australia on in the World Cup at 3am in the morning.

Well if anyone has any possible answers to what my problems are or what you yourself want out of life, leave some comments or drop me an email. Talk to you all again when my mind next explodes with all these strange thoughts of life.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanh,

You never cease to amaze me on how you are about to conjure up the amount of time and effort to publish such lengthy blogs such as this one.

I do appreciate that some people are willing to choose their time to express their views and perspectives particularly due to the fact that you are also working fulltime like many of us, yet most of us choose to bludge and do other insignificant activities.

Perhaps you should reconsider a new career path where your ideas and expressions can be truly appreciated over a much larger audience.

5/10/2006 12:59 PM  
Blogger afrobev said...

I think it is perfectly natural to be where you are at the moment and thinking about things the way you are thinking. We all do it from time to time and I think that by blogging and expanding your horizons as it were, you are opening yourself up to new possibilities and willing to test yourself.

I am reading a good book at the moment that someone has lent to me it's called 'Practicising The Power Of Now'. It's very insightful and it encourages you to let go of the past, not concern yourself with the future and just live for now. I would definetly recommend you getting it. It's all about how the ego will survive by living in the past and how it fears the future and it how it only let's you live in the now occassionally.

I wont spoil it but I have found it very good and I reckon you might benefit from it. It might help in your search for who you are.

5/10/2006 5:27 PM  
Anonymous Oblivion said...

Stop it guys!! You're making him blush

5/10/2006 8:48 PM  
Blogger The Oriental Express said...

Afrobev is very insightful. He is right that all of us sometimes get into a pensive mood and it is good sometimes to sit back and ponder. For me, I must say and feel I am quite qualified at the age of 52 to say, that having gone through so much in life, it is difficult to shock me now! I find great solace, comfort and teaching from the Bible. What Paul said is true that we must be thankful for sufferings for through them, we emerge stronger. It is like after having been through a Poseidon Adventure, or the last terrible tsunami, all else will be like little drops of rain !!

The past is over; tomorrow is yet to be seen. Now is the time! Now is the moment! Will also get a copy of Afrobev's recommended book to read and be inspired.

Choo Choo

5/10/2006 11:56 PM  
Blogger Grafxgurl said...

hi there! thanks for visiting my blog!! i laughed when i read your blogs name.. HILARIOUSLY CLEVER!!
i started blogging.. coz.. well i had too many thoughts in my head and my friends were staring to stuff their ears ... that or bodily throw me out the window...

so. its been nonstop ever since!! its a GREAT way to just release all that craziness!! as ive donein my case........... lol. not that its ever going to end!

5/11/2006 12:19 AM  
Blogger Superb said...

I dunno if it'd help you Thanh, but maybe if you figure out some goals- short, medium and long term goals that you want in life to give you something to work towards. As you achieve those goals, keep setting new ones.

This worked for me at least hehe. I recently found that having nothing to work towards then feels like ur kinda just doing things with no purpose. When I found something I really wanted in my life, I set myself some goals to get there and it felt like everything I did had a lot more purpose :)

Or perhaps, does the problem lie in finding what those goals are? Want to start a new business? Want to change jobs? Want to study postgrad? Want to travel? Move to another country? Want a kick ass blog that makes money? You can do all of it, but only if you really *want* to make it happen. Find things that get you excited!

5/11/2006 2:11 AM  
Blogger Superb said...

Oh, and start by getting more good regular sleep. I found that it works wonders :D

5/11/2006 2:12 AM  
Blogger thanh7580 said...

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

James: You're probably right, its probably just a phase I'm going through. I'll try to find that book you recommended at the library.

Choo: I want to emerge stronger but I don't want to go through too much suffering :-).

Grafxgurl: I would love to take credit for the very clever blog name but actually it was from Stan of Daniel San Blog fame. His accidental mispelling of my page when he linked to it was so great that I decided to use it instead of the much more boring More Than Words initally.

Trev: I think setting some goals would be useful, I'll try to write down a few simple ones for now. And also this current down mood has coincided with sleeping too late. Damn Big Brother, that TV show always sucks me in at the start of every season. I always say I won't watch such rubbish but just can't help it. You know how it is when its so bad that its good.

5/11/2006 6:06 PM  
Anonymous Oblivion said...

Or perhaps you should go onto talk shows (TV or Radio) where people can acutally hear your ideas and thoughts.

In this blog, your lucky to get 1 hit a year!

7/31/2008 12:52 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home