What Do You Want Out Of Life?

What do you want out of life? A big picket fenced house with 2.4 kids? Fulfilling your life long dream and do something you always wanted to do?

For the last 2-3 weeks, I've mainly been this moping object floating around the place. I just feel bored (which isn't quite the right word) or more like unmovtivated, restless and just generally tired. I know its partly due to being physically tired because I sleep too late but I think mentally as well. Tired from what, I have no idea.

So what are the things that are causing this restlessness. Its not entirely work because thats not too bad. Even my argument with someone at work isn't really making me angry or unhappy. In fact, I have totally forgotten about that incident and it doesn't even bother me now. All this restlessness comes from not being sure what I want, from life, from work, from others. I am totally confused at the moment.

Let me start with this blog even. When I started this blog a few months ago, I was all full of enthusiasm and hope. I still like writing in this blog but a bit of that enthusiasm has disappeared, possibly to be expected. Initially, I thought that as well as doing something I like, I might be able to generate some revenue from this blog and maybe eventually work from home full time on this blog. I hear you laughing at how naive I was, but that was what I believed. I thought that I would start getting hundreds of dollars each month from ads. However, after trying very hard to generate traffic, it wasn't working so I gave up on that train of thought. This was a disappointment to me intially, but then having found that there were dedicated readers such as Afrobev, Coralmoon, Danielsan, Princess Chloe and Choo Choo, I felt much better to know that some people were taking some time out of their day to invest a very very small personal interest in my life. This has made it all worth it to keep blogging. But still, that hope of achieving "success" with this blog after putting so much work into it initially has been dashed. Its not even the money that I'm thinking about, its setting myself an aim to achieve something and then not really succeeding.

The other thing that starting the blog has done has opened up my mind. I've been reading so many things lately, from other people's blogs to links on people's blogs that I then keep researching. I have learnt so many things from these explorations. I've also heard other people's opinions and views on all types of issues that I might not normally be in contact with. People from all walks of life are expressing themselves for everyone to see. It has truly been an eye opening short journey so far. To use a photograph analogy, I've gone from the telephoto lens to a wide angle lens and the horizon has expanded but at the same time, the close objects have also been blurred as well. I don't know what it is I want now since my view on life is in the process of being reassessed.

Even as recent as just last year, I was happy to watch a lot of TV, read my science fiction books and buying DVDs and CDs made me very happy. The actual act of buying the DVDs game me a lot of pleasure rather than what the actual movie was. It was a sense of achievement, that I had earned my own money and could now afford to buy them. Lately I haven't bought any DVDs or felt the need to buy anything. Instead, I spend most of my money going out with friends and truly enjoying people's company.

My interaction with people has also changed due to changes within myself. Like I have written in a previous post, I used to be way too nice for my own good and became an unwitting "carpet mat" for people to purposefully or accidentally step on. Positve changes in myself have resulted in people acting differently to me. I'm more upfront with people and tell them if they are doing something that annoys me or makes me unhappy. I have also been much more conscious to not waste time and be fake to people that give me nothing in terms of enjoyment or are merely trying to use me. I now focus my energy on building stronger relationship with thouse that I care about and worrying less about people I might offend because I'm not everyone's friend anymore.

Another thing that I have been thinking a lot about lately is what is the purpose of life, not the whole grand scheme of things but just my own personal little world. We are all stuck in this so called "Rat Race" where the faster we run, the faster the wheel turns. Somehow, this thought disturbs me a lot. Why am I working in the job that I am currently at. To make money so that I can buy a picket fence house? Probably. I don't mind owning a nice house since I would feel comfortable in it and that would make me happy. But why does it have to be so hard. How come we can't do something that we love and still be able to achieve our materialistic dreams. How can you get out of this Rat Race and run your own race. Well, you need to run extremely hard in the rat race so the wheel falls off its ball bearings and breaks free.

Also, how can we improve ourselves and make life interesting. Ultimately, knowledge is the only thing that we gain that can't be taken away from us and can be cherished forever. I've just started reading Trev's blog and on it he has a Te Chu saying, "Jia Gow Lau, Oh Gow Lau" translating to "Eat til you are old, Learn til you are old". I liked it so much that I decided to "borrow" it and use it here. I like to learn new things and find that I am totally committed to it and am almost obsessed with it for a few months but never continue with it. I see how committed some people are and can do something and keep expanding on it until it comes to fruition, such as Choo Choo owning her own restaurant. Thats so inspirational but I just can't see myself doing that and it makes me disappointed. I just seem to lack that tunnel vision to focus on one thing and pursue it vigorously. Is this a sign of failure, that you can't see things through or just someone who is constantly curious and is searching for more exciting stimulus. I see that lots of people around me are going back to uni to study, which seems like a good idea but then I think of the assignments and it changes my mind. Also do I really want to study more Engineering or something that maybe be more fun like "TV viewing habits of couch potatoes pre-reality TV". Maybe it just comes down to me being lazy and wanting things that are exciting and new but also easy.

As you can see, this post has been so scattered in thought. I don't know what is bugging me or what I want. Maybe I just need a long holiday to refresh my mind. Hopefully this is just a phase that will pass. I'll probably be thinking how stupid I was to be writing all this a month later when I'm cheering Australia on in the World Cup at 3am in the morning.

Well if anyone has any possible answers to what my problems are or what you yourself want out of life, leave some comments or drop me an email. Talk to you all again when my mind next explodes with all these strange thoughts of life.